Why do i blog about all that sappy stuff here ? Well because i know for sure those that im refering to wouldnt even bother to find out/remember/notice that i have a blog and that i dont want what i say here to affect my friendship with other(s). I know all these are just from MY point of view, how I look at things and they is defnitely be wrong but hey, nobody corrects me and i dont know the truth about how other(s) actually feel, especially when texting me or just talking face to face. Leaving all those social media behind so far didnt help me feel better or deter me any further from being suicidal. Leaving, even though temporarily, just made me miss other(s) more and more each and every minute. Someone teach me how to bypass the awkwardness, feeling insecure about myself, escape those suicidal and self harm thoughts.. and of course, teach me how to become friends with those i have pushed away with what i said.. Please. So far theres only one person that somewhat knows how im feeling so far, someone that i have been talking to for the past few weeks. I wanna thank you but im also sorry that i have this sentence " i shouldnt be talking to you but to someone else instead" in my head once in awhile. I feel like im using you to be my listening ear. You are the first friend that bought me a cake for the past 12years of my life studying. Im really touched and was tearing up when i realised that you really bought it even though i was kidding. Sadly that day, my actual wish didnt came true and i just went crashing down again. Lost in the garden, color blinded and losing the ability to be able to differentiate that one special flower out of the others... i really hope being color blind now doesnt end up with me losing sight totally, losing sight of that one special flower..