Call me in the middle of the night and tell me how you're doing. I wouldn't mind. But pfft, who am i kidding ? Texts arent even possible. Much less calls ._.

Got referred to NUH for Orthopaedic Surgery for my shoulder... And theres nobody i can talk to about it. Parents are busy as ever, "friends" don't give a damn. Life

Telling myself not to go there to see how stuff is going for ... 'cos if i wanna kill everything, i HAVE to stop caring so much but... all these are just talk. I cant do it. Just cant. The stuff that was done was so obvious to keep me away. How i know ? Well from MY point of view again, I admitted to visiting there to find things out because apparently, i care too much. Gahh oh well. 2 more days and JC starts. I'll be forgotten and i hope that would mean a better life since the pest is no longer around. To end things off, well at least i admitted stuff i wouldnt dare admit before so... thats a first. Why did i do it here ? Well because i know nobody that knew me in real life would visit my blog 'cos i dont deserve them. So... yea. Am i being too harsh on myself ? Its to try and kill whatever thats in me and tell myself there isnt anyone i can actually depend on.

If its true that if you love someone, their happiness is placed way before yours, then i can be sure that the feelings have developed from a simple "like" to "love" now. Or at least it has already developed to that stage around this timing last year. Even though i say all these, i just can't make myself give you up. I just can't. Enough is enough. I'm going overboard and people are gonna hate me for i again. Sorry. Lastly, 我爱你。Darn chinese keyboard on my phone doesn't have the female "你" in it..

Why do i blog about all that sappy stuff here ? Well because i know for sure those that im refering to wouldnt even bother to find out/remember/notice that i have a blog and that i dont want what i say here to affect my friendship with other(s). I know all these are just from MY point of view, how I look at things and they is defnitely be wrong but hey, nobody corrects me and i dont know the truth about how other(s) actually feel, especially when texting me or just talking face to face. Leaving all those social media behind so far didnt help me feel better or deter me any further from being suicidal. Leaving, even though temporarily, just made me miss other(s) more and more each and every minute. Someone teach me how to bypass the awkwardness, feeling insecure about myself, escape those suicidal and self harm thoughts.. and of course, teach me how to become friends with those i have pushed away with what i said.. Please. So far theres only one person that somewhat knows how im feeling so far, someone that i have been talking to for the past few weeks. I wanna thank you but im also sorry that i have this sentence " i shouldnt be talking to you but to someone else instead" in my head once in awhile. I feel like im using you to be my listening ear. You are the first friend that bought me a cake for the past 12years of my life studying. Im really touched and was tearing up when i realised that you really bought it even though i was kidding. Sadly that day, my actual wish didnt came true and i just went crashing down again. Lost in the garden, color blinded and losing the ability to be able to differentiate that one special flower out of the others... i really hope being color blind now doesnt end up with me losing sight totally, losing sight of that one special flower..

At the rate things are going, me feeling suicidal now might really make me end everything.. i dont see the point. To the left im left out, to the right im ignored. Its like i dont exist in the eyes of others. Bottling up for so long is really taking its toll on me.

The place where i can only truly voice out and record my thoughts, feelings and be myself would be here.

I wanna talk again... Ima leave all social media for awhile. Cant take the pain any longer.

Wishing others but me really killed me. Shows how much i fucked up. I don't blame anyone but myself. But really, just tell me what did i do. 4days. Don't know how to start again... FUCK ME SERIOUSLY.

I have been wondering all night... is it really that hard for me to be JUST your friend ? I mean, i know i confessed 2years ago and that somehow made our friendship EXTREMELY awkward to the extent that you have to avoid me but now ? I don't even dare to think about getting into a relationship with you. Instead, i just wanna be friends, friends like what we were 2years back before i screwed up. Just friends, nothing more, nothing less.

Suddenly i got so pissed tonight. I guess i have had enough. Its easier to make others hate me than having them trying to still be my friend. This way, its easier for those i care about. So goodbye and sorry for being the complete asshole, pest, irritant guy in your lives.

14th January ended like that :'( Still have to thank Jerica for the cake :') Its really nice and kind of you to buy one for me. Appreciate it..... I feel like giving up now because things started getting cold again but... yea as if i can give up on a friend like you. A big AS IF. Anyway, work starts again tomorrow but also, having a day out with the muslim dudes :D Gotta love them even though they sometimes speak in malay which i might not fully understand but i don't mind :) This 14th is the first, first one to be like this.. *Sigh* What can i do ? Someone tell me. Ups and downs already when its just the 14th day of 2013.... Life :\

I left the prom night venue with a regretful heart just like that... also jealous of others that aren't leaving yet that could have a chance to take a picture with you :( The rest of the week just felt suckish after prom because of me being all cowardly, missing the probably one and only chance i could have taken another picture with you outside school related clothings. Truthfully speaking, i was afraid of losing you to one of my own brothers because i knew he is definitely better than me in all aspects and that way of thinking made me and him less close and i don't blame anyone else because it was my own fault for thinking that way. Friday, 4 January 2013, i had the urge to ask whether were you free on Saturday because i wanted to go to the Poly open houses with you (To hopefully spend time with you again) but i thought to myself "How would I, feel like if theres this person that liked me but i didn't have any feelings for her keeps on trying to ask me out? Irritated i guess." And so i didn't even try and i hope it was the right choice. The way i text is also different now. In the past, i would talk about almost everything with you but now ? I just can't. I clearly understand that in order not to ruin the mood of others, i shouldn't talk to them too much. In short, i just think im not good enough for anyone. My head tells me to not irritate and pester you too much through texts but my heart just keeps on screaming at my hands to TEXT HER ! TEXT HER NOW ! Honestly, i read the tumblr not because im stalking (at least im not reading in with that mindset), but because i really want to know how are you doing sometimes, how you feel, whats going on with your life while not asking you all that seemingly stupid questions through texting. On my end, i am wishfully hoping that you would read this but i am also afraid that after reading all these, you would just want to stay away from me more, which isn't what i really wanted. Now, i just want to become the type of friends we were back in 2011, friends that didn't have the fact that one already confessed to the other, standing in the way of our friendship. I am constantly telling myself that its better to lose a crush but not a friend, which is why i am pulling myself through all this emotional pain to try and be the friend you could talk to, ask out for a chat when you feel down, again... This sums up how i felt, what i went through for the past 2 years after we started talking. Again, i want to say that i don't want these 2 posts to ruin your mood and our friendship. I just wanted a place for me to finally unload all these held up feelings. I would really feel like its the end of the world if i lose another friend, especially such a nice and sweet friend like you :( I'm sorry, truthfully sorry, if i am just being a pest to you, a irritating person that used to be your friend. Back to the topic, i really need a sign that you want to talk to me because all these guessing of how you feel really hurts as i don't want my guessing to put me on the wrong path and start overthinking again. This is finally the end and, again Im sorry.

So, everything was so high up there in 2011. Then i have to make our friendship awkward by confessing to you. Then after that, i slowly see the way you replied my texts, telling me that you wanna stay away from me because you dont want me to waste my time on you since you dont like me back. Things worsen in 2012, a really crucial year to have this type of problem in my heart. We were so awkward in school, even just by sitting beside each other coincidentally during assembly (Well thats how I felt when we were beside each other). We were no longer talking as much as in 2011 and i know im the reason, and then moving on to Farewell Assembly. I finally have the courage to ask you for a photo together :') Was super happy that whole day when you said okay to my request despite the awkwardness. So happy with Uzair because both of us got the photo we have long wanted to take with the special someone. And then comes the study period, it was that timing that i realise how far worse our friendship has gone because how you tried to avoid seeing me. I hated appearing infront of you because of that as i didnt want to be the reason why people have a bad day. The angry tweets about not wanting to see someone really hit me spot on. I was really afraid that our friendship would end like that.. It was also that time that i have decided to not try so hard to win your heart but more of just trying to be friends again, even up till now. I am afraid of texting you too much because again, i know you didnt want to talk to me as much anymore. I was afraid of being an annoyance, a pest that keepa clinging onto you everyday, afraid that one day you would hate me instead of not feeling anything for me. Then comes O Levels, i was self comforting that i wont be bugging you if i were to ask you school related stuff but when i slowly change the conversation's topic, i sensed a little coldness and so i just texted " Ohh thank you thank you :) Shall not disturb you already. Jiayous and byebye :)" relunctantly. When you said "you should thank me properly only after you have received your results", i was determined to do well. Half is because of my own future, the other half is because i could finally say somethinf to you face to face. During the examinations period, i couldnt sleep well because of both anxiety as well as worried that you might be staying up way too late to study and that you would fall sick. Os ended, we went back to talking so little again. Prom night, i really wanted to go to the venue together with you but... i held back my urge to ask you because i didnt want you to feel uncomfortable with me asking about that. I really wanted to take another photo with you again when everything has ended because you were really gorgeous that day but i just didnt have the courage as i felt im not good enough to be in the same picture as you...... ( To be continued tomorrow morning)...